How to Strengthen Your Marriage with Appreciation and Tolerance
The Scripture teaches us that everything God created was very good and purposeful. God created human beings and endowed us differently to fulfill His unique purposes for each of us. Our performances are dictated by our individual endowments, meaning that our abilities and achievements will naturally vary due to our individual differences. This fundamental truth must be considered in the operation of any relationship.
Everyone wants to give their best and to be appreciated for it. This means that each person desires to be valued for who they are, not for what others expect them to be. It is only when a person is negligent or fails to fulfill their responsibilities that they become blameworthy.
The Parable of the Talents
Jesus Christ illustrated this principle in the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:19–30, NIV):
1. The First Servant
Endowment: “The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’”
Reward (Appreciation): “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’”
2. The Second Servant
Endowment: “The man with the two talents also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.’”
Reward (Appreciation): “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’”
3. The Third Servant
Endowment: “Then the man who had received the one talent came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’”
Reward (Reprimand): “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? You should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned, I would have received it back with interest. Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. Throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’”
Key Observations from the Parable:
1. The three servants were endowed differently: five talents, two talents, and one talent respectively.
2. Endowments were given according to each servant’s ability.
3. The productivity of the first two servants matched their endowment, while the third servant failed due to envy and fear.
4. All performances were rewarded accordingly. The first two productive servants were rewarded, while the unproductive servant was punished.
Lessons from the Parable:
- Everyone is endowed differently and expected to perform according to their ability.
- A non-performer deserves to be reprimanded.
- Appreciation should be given based on individual ability and performance.
Jesus assures us: “Behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be” (Revelation 22:12, KJV).
Application to Marriage
The relevance of this parable to marriage is clear: each partner should appreciate the other based on their ability and effort. Courtship should be a time to assess each other’s qualities and potential realistically. Unfortunately, the excitement of lust often blinds couples, preventing them from assessing whether their partner possesses the essential qualities for a happy marriage.
Once married, when a partner’s performance falls short of expectations—especially when those expectations were based on assumptions—criticism, complaints, and nagging follow. James L. Framo observed that “people do not marry real people; they marry illusions and images.” The exciting adventure of marriage is discovering who your partner really is.
Restoring a Troubled Marriage:
Even when marriage starts to feel like a mirage, hope is not lost. Tolerance and appreciation for each other’s differences can rebuild the relationship. If one partner begins to show consistent love and affection, the other will eventually respond positively.
The Power of Appreciation:
Expressing appreciation—verbally and through actions—strengthens relationships. Simple comments like:
- “This food is delicious.”
- “You look beautiful/handsome.”
- “Thank you.”
- “I love you.”
These affirmations go a long way in building a closer and loving relationship.
Appreciation can also be expressed through non-verbal means:
- Small gifts
- Warm kisses
- A dinner date
- A kind gesture
It’s not the cost of the gift that matters but the thought behind it. Giving someone “a piece of our love” instead of “a piece of our mind” can transform a relationship.
Constructive Criticism in Marriage
Criticism has a place in marriage, but it must be:
- Constructive, not destructive.
- Delivered at the right time and in the right way.
- Preceded by appreciation to soften the impact.
Example:
- “Wow, you’re pretty fast at getting the food ready, thanks!”
- Followed by: “If you can cook so nicely, why not improve how you serve it, dear?”
The way criticism is framed matters:
- “You can see that this is not proper” – informative.
- “Can’t you see that this is not proper?” – condemning and judgmental.
- Tone and delivery matter. Adding “dear” makes the statement friendly. Criticism should never be delivered in anger or in front of others, as this provokes defensiveness and resistance.
Conclusion
Appreciation and constructive criticism are essential for building strong relationships. The devil often tempts us to speak hurtfully, but with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we can control our words and build each other up. As Proverbs 12:18, 25 (NKJV) reminds us:
- “There is one who speaks like the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health… Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad.”
- Therefore, we must choose our words carefully and aim to uplift rather than tear down.
